Guilty

This post will be a very long post about i did something that i think its good for me and "this person". But in the end I'm doing it so wrongly! And ending up hurting myself and "this person". I can say I am naive. So the moral of the values guys, don't ever think what you are going to do is right. Think twice or more not less before you decide to do something. If not you will end up like me being guilty everyday. I though this is a good way for "this person" and me. But unfortunately, i think "this person" ending up hating me and I'm hating myself too. Can't do anything cause what i did seriously to the max. Max until can't max already. Keep on scolding myself stupid jesse stupid. No one is so stupid as you jesse. You are the most stupid, naive, brainless, person ever jesse! 


Nothing can ever change back. Plus this year is going to end. And SPM is going to end for you, but next year is my turn. Yeah, no time at all. FMS! (Fuck MySelf) What is done is done. I don't even have the guts to face "this person". Every time i saw "this person" I feel so so so so darn guilty. Its unfair to "this person" I know. SLAP ME PEOPLE SLAP ME! 


I hope miracles will happen. I really do believe but its seems like it does not exist at all. I really hope there will be one waiting for me on the right time. The more I think the more i feel like I can't go on another day without you. Yet! I dint something like that. JESSE YOU ARE SUCH A DICKHEAD! Is there still a place for me? Would I get that back? May I? Its hard to turn back for you I know after I've done something so horrible to you. 


No matter how much or how many times i say nothing will change the fact that I did something so horrible like this. This was my second biggest mistake in my life and feeling so guilty about it. My first biggest was my uncle as some of you guys know. I can't believe I make another one. What can I do to make things better? As you know I still have the feelings in me. Only a few knows (friends) but majority doesn't. Can't forgive myself. Can't stop thinking. Can't stop feeling guilty and most of all can't stop Je t'aime-ing you. 


Its true its true. Its hard to move on. Hope that you are still reading my blog post. And people please don't ask me why. Only "this person" allows to ask why. Others please don't ask. Just shut the &%$! up and keep it a secret. This guilty feeling make me can't focus on my study in school today. Daydreaming while thinking back. Plus whole body in pain. Pity me. God punish me already. Really whole parts of my body in pain. Think I'm going to drop down. Shoulder, legs, head, back, arms. T.T Good good. Punish me for something i did. Its a good think. FORGIVE ME!